I really think there needs to be a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode for the Superbowl Halftime show. Who wants to help? Come on. I know a lot of you are Tom Servos in disguise.
“Wait…did Christina…no way!”
“I think they’re setting a new world record for most people on a football field doing the Running Man at once.”
“Slash is probably taking the Silkwood shower of a lifetime in all that cash he just made from his duet with Fergie.”
“It’s all downhill after Janet’s nippling, I guess.”
Russell even texted: “Fergie is pitchier than week one of of American Idol,” and, “You’d think they could have hired a decent sound guy if they had ten less dancing robots.”
For me, the real magic was more about the Black Eyed Peas’ wardrobe. That getup was like an Austrian techno Tron and Beyond the Thunderdome mash-up. I thought we buried all that with Tupac’s “California Love” video. Guess not.
Regardless, Fergie is totally hot. I don’t care if she pees in her pants on stage. I don’t care if she likes to hit the bottle. I don’t care if she can’t sing. I don’t even care if she wears Tina Turner’s leftovers from 1984. That girl is completely-on-fire-superhero-good-looking, BUT watching her with Slash was painful on a variety of levels. I felt like I was being subjected to Glee and sports bar karaoke at the same time, except…with Slash, who seemed like he was trying hard not to acknowledge that he was sharing a stage with Fergie. She needs to write Christina Aguilera a thank-you note for running interference by (a) forgetting the words to the national anthem and (b) wearing that awful wig.
There is something kind of WOW about watching the Black Eyed Peas yell, “MAZEL TOV!” It makes my brain cringe. They must be surrounded by an army of yes men these days, kinda like when Madonna decided to play guitar and rap, but worse.
Luckily, for those of us who found the halftime show a little too Olympicky and Thunderdome-y, the BEPs staged a second performance. Sweet:
That really was the sound of a zillion people chanting, “FERGIE, FERGIE, FERGIE, FERGIE!!! ” Ah, the sound of our free democracy! All of that and Jim Carey, too. Dessert is served, ladies.
All joking aside, I was seriously offended by Michael Douglas’s intro. And, man, I like Michael Douglas. Superbowl filmmakers, how dare you exploit images of women’s suffrage and Martin Luther King, Jr., soundbites from landmark American speeches, the space shuttle, immigrants tipping their hats to the Statue of Liberty, Iwo Jima, 9/11, etc., and sum it all up with:
“And tonight here we are, united, to see their journey…”
Football is American, yes — in an apple pie way, not in a people-freaking-died-for-this way. The analogy is absurd and grossly inappropriate. The journey of two teams might be a fantastic, amazing story worthy of passing down amongst generations. However, the extreme sacrifice of America’s history-making radicals and patriots, scientists and blue collar workers, is NOT an appetizer to your chip-and-dip party. So, up yours with that one, Superbowl.
Thank god there were at least dancing robots. A good robot can always unruffle even the most furrowed of feathers. I don’t know what they were doing with the Peas, but I’m sure Tom Servo will be able to shed some light.